poetry/lyrics section

[mero]

17wil : your 2nd piece "The Lovesick City".........

waaay too many cliches... I can see one almost every line. It'll be better to play around with more original material unless you're using the cliches to form a central theme about something..... say the conformity of society or the regularity of man's nature.

You could also improve on your rhyme scheme. At times it seems simplistic and almost like a nursery rhyme.

if you come with me, for all of eternity
i'll send yo ua rose 'til you get to university
i'll wait for you at the place of community
until the day i lose my sanity

Like in this part, you overuse the -ity sound...... and the use of "community" seems even strained, like you're just forcing it to rhyme with the other words. It's easier to write in regular rhyme, but do try to play around with rhyme forms, it doesn't necessary need to rhyme all the time.

 

[frankiejazz]

17wil : your 2nd piece "The Lovesick City".........

waaay too many cliches... I can see one almost every line. It'll be better to play around with more original material unless you're using the cliches to form a central theme about something..... say the conformity of society or the regularity of man's nature.

You could also improve on your rhyme scheme. At times it seems simplistic and almost like a nursery rhyme.

none of my business, but i found that EXTREMELY condescending.

 

[Slash04]

this is one of me writings...lame though.
And i didnt noe how to end it off so yeah its a crappy ending.
Dandelion

It's quite beautiful... Nice job, dude..

 

[dope]

none of my business, but i found that EXTREMELY condescending.

It's a critique so there's no need for sugar-coating. I'm sure it's nothing personal.

Anyway, it is my humble opinion that poetry and lyrics shouldn't be used interchangeably. They are two different forms of expression so to put them in the same category, exposing them to same nature of criticism, doesn't seem right to me. Lyrics may be poetic, yes, but that doesn't necessarily make them a poem.

Oh and for those posting their work, no need to be so humble la. It's quite funny how everyone's started off by saying their work is crap, lame, etc.. But we all know they're not. So, have a little more confidence, please!

 

[SherT]

I'm sitting down
By the empty hold
Sun's not too warm.
Soup's getting cold.

I'm looking out
Over fields of grey
Staring out, smiling
As dream proceeds from day.

 

[Freeko]

simple song my band wrote its called (it has no chorus just two verses)

Highway Blues

All we needed was peace all along.
I think I just heard death, knocking on the door.
All that was in my head, to find back what I long.
Endless road on the highway blues, to find back what went wrong.

All I wanted was to go back home.
Faded souls in the melody, when I was alone.
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, trapped in the zone.
Endless road on the highway blues, shattered to the bone.


Feedback would be helpful. Thank You!

 

[frankiejazz]

am i the only one here who's semi worried about plagarism? :smt053

 

[ipul]

shouldnt worry too much abt plagarism la..cos worrying is a waste of energy, really =) well if somebody makes use of ur lines at least think of it as a flattery...or if u wish to keep ur IP write it down somewhere first so can have like a poor man's patent or sumting lidat...

IMO,i've seen some real good ones, some (not so) good ones, and some real interesting haikus..haha. Keep it coming softies!Show off ur talent!

 

[mero]

none of my business, but i found that EXTREMELY condescending.

hey I'm not criticising for the sake of criticism, it's all in the name of helping each other improve yeah? not much point talking solely about the good points of a piece if we're looking for comments to help each other write better......

and yes, I agree that it'll be better to critique poetry and lyrics separately, what goes for poetry might not do well for lyrics and vice versa. then again it is pretty hard to comment on lyrics without hearing musical accompaniment.... there's this tendency to view it as a piece of poetry instead.

 

[yy_fuctup]

ok..so do u ppl want a seperate lyrics section from the poetry section or what??

 

[Mobius]

^ Why dont we just have a songwriting/lyrics section ?

 

[Freeko]

no feedback?

 

[ahkiatt]

first feedback: how does it go? how to sing it.

 

[Guest]

We are here,congregated in devotion of our passion.
I,as a member of this honourable community,hereby
Offer a humble fruit of my mental labour.
Which speaks none of high caliber.

Be unafraid,to speak your mind.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i dun have a title for this poem.

The flutter of the butterfly
Whispered of goodbye
Whilst the setting of the sun
Mentioned of departure

The ephemeral euphoria
That resided in his soul
Embodied his torment,eternal
It felt so real it smothered

Transient
Like ripples in water
Like giggles and laughter
Like everything else,decadent

Ever present after
The sun's night long slumber
It lives right till the end
As the sun is laid to rest

The anguish and grimace
Branded with permanence
Unto his weary face
Even upon his macabre delusion

Volatile esteem and pride
It was hard to hold his head up,high
It got harder each time he tried
His fate to despair was entwined

And the north gale sweeps
The gathering leaves,
Dry and delicate
Above his resting place

Now devoid of his misery
He lay under,cold
On his erected tombstone
He had died,but an unknown

 

[Kerr]

er... my cousin funk band song.... i kindof like it

watsup watsup watsup G!
watsup watsup watsup Thee!
watsup watsup wa sa BI!
watsup watsup watsup SHE

Hey you watch what you said
Make sure you are being paid
some people life so laid
some people life just fade

watsup watsup watsup G!
watsup watsup watsup Thee!
watsup watsup wa SA BI!
watsup watsup watsup SHE

She never want to be so kind
when She walk pass wat a sight
holding my guitar i am knight
playing thrash whole bloody night

watsup watsup watsup G!
watsup watsup watsup Thee!
watsup watsup wa SA BI!
watsup watsup watsup SHE

take me to the sky so high
with me you shall feel so light
so bright so shine so delight
i cant believe i dying to die

watsup watsup watsup G!
watsup watsup watsup Thee!
watsup watsup wa SA BI!
watsup watsup watsup SHE[/code]

 

[yy_fuctup]

errm...i think for lyrics, u need to hear the tune first..otherwise it is kinda hard to judge..so..

anw, the wassup thing is kinda weird..lols..no offence meant.

 

[Slash04]

Yeah whatsup fee!


Haha! It's more like red hot chilli pepper-isque... It'll be weird unless you heard the song...

so...

Recondingofitplzkthxbai!

 

[yy_fuctup]

We are here,

i like this poem..especially the last line..but the vocabulary seems a lilttle over used..as if you are trying to impress people with your vocabulary instead of your poem..but i still like it..great job..

 

[17wil]

17wil : your 2nd piece "The Lovesick City"..........

Thanks mero. I will improve it.

 

[daryl]

i like this poem....

the poem is fine but as yy pointed out the vocabulary seems forced, as if you had a dictionary beside you and were trying to fit sophisticated sounding kindof words into the poem. however i feel that the last line was a little cliched.