Domestic Abuse

[growlingsoulpup]

Okay, here goes. I'm not revealing names or anything to protect the identity of the person mentioned below because she's requested her own right to privacy. But this just pisses me off so much that i've just gotta rant somewhere.

Thing is, this friend of mine whom I've known for over a year is suffering from domestic abuse. Her parents hit her frequently and with objects that could cause quite serious damage sometimes. I.e, the iron, plates and glasses, cordless phones etc. Sometimes they withhold food from her, and her allowance as well which quite obviously means she'd have to go without food. And recently, when she was in the car with her parents and running a high fever, she asked for permission to go home first as she was feeling rather sick.

What did her father do? He smashed her head into the steering wheel because they didn't want to go home yet. So while the parents went off shopping with her sister, she was left locked in the car for about an hour, with the air-con turned off, the windows up and the doors locked.

This isn't the first time abuse of this kind has happened. In fact I've known this to be happening for about a year. But because she wants to protect her sister who would be left parentless if her parents were sent to jail, she refuses to report the abuse. Which makes me quite pissed because what kind of [censored] up [censored][censored] and [censored] could ever do this to their own daughter? [censored][censored].

I'm typing this firstly because I'm pissed and I need to rant and secondly, because I wonder if anyone has any advice on this matter. i can't reveal her name and details but any resources, helplines, websites etc would be appreciated. Thanks all you guys.

 

[soft]

Please edit away all profanities in your post.

How old is your friend? I can help refer her to the correct department/agency.

 

[TidesOfBlood]

domestic abuse is' something i've come across in my work before.

you know, to make things simple, grab your friend and head to the nearest police post..

 

[growlingsoulpup]

Done, boss. She's 16.

Thing is, I can't do a thing about it as long she forbids me to. Just the fact that I was told about this matter confidentially, and I can't betray that by reporting the matter to the police when I was explicitly told not to. Sigh. It's sad that despite all, she's still defending her family.

 

[subversion]

1. Police report- best.

2. as a 3rd party, you can call up MCYS & report the abuse, they will investigate & initiate a police report/ restraining order/ separation from family if the need arises. i was privy to one case where the parent whacked the child with a chair's leg, the neighbour called MCYS to investigate, finally the child was separated from the family- you won't believe what the the 'power' of separation can do to the parents, it's an emotional/ psychological assault.

 

[subversion]

...she forbids me to. Just the fact that I was told about this matter confidentially, and I can't betray that by reporting the matter to the police when I was explicitly told not to.

if you are aware of an abuse in progress, you have a civic duty to report, the fact that you were told not to do so is secondary. this is a little extreme- say the abused dies as a result, i think you cannot handle your ommission... guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. you get the drift...

 

[dir]

any visible injuries though?
Any relatives she can contact and talk about with, or perhaps stay with?
I say for the moment, be a good friend and counsel her. Tell her the moment she can't take it anymore, you can both go to the police post.

Bear in mind that reporting this to the police might just ruin her family's lives along with hers.

 

[soft]

growlingsoulpup, do the right thing, report to the police. You and your friend will not be able to handle such problem by yourself. Alot of time, victim think that the abuse will go away but most of the time, it wouldn't. This because the abuser themselves are not able to cure themselves. They need help.

You have the responsibility as a friend to help her. Report the case to the police and let them handle it.

 

[dir]

here is a list of Family Service Centres you can bring her to seek counseling on the matter. They are far better-knowledged to deal with and provide counselling for such a case than random internet users.

http://www.ncss.org.sg/documents/LIST OF FAMILY SERVICE CENTRES.pdf

 

[Aki S. Ian]

woah, touchy subject..

i used to be abused, till i ran away from home and lived with my relatives..

seriously dude do the right thing, these sort of things will inflict scars emotionally.

it will affects your mental stability. seriously. i speak from personal experience.

 

[betsybug]

James, sub, going by what's posted (the reluctance, the younger sister etc), calling the police may be too "scary" for some. Even MCYS.

IMO, what the TS and the friend need is someone to talk to e.g. a professional counsellor. Options: the FSCs (from dir), or can approach the Singapore Children's Society (Singapore Children's Society: Promoting our children’s welfare and well-being in Singapore.). Dr Carol Balhechet is a well-known counsellor dealing with young children and teenagers. They will be able to give proper advice as to the next steps.

 

[pf]

Please seek help with the police soon.

Because the longer it drags, the more damage it is going to do to her self-image, esteem, etc, not to mention physical harm. The internal damage might cause her to be haunted/traumatized all the way through her adult life and make unwise decisions such as taking drugs to escape/numb herself. Many such real life accounts from documentaries, etc.

 

[TidesOfBlood]

if you are aware of an abuse in progress, you have a civic duty to report, the fact that you were told not to do so is secondary. this is a little extreme- say the abused dies as a result, i think you cannot handle your ommission... guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. guilty. you get the drift...

seconded. i believe it IS a crime to let a crime go unpunished, as a witness.

 

[theunknown]

yes i think u still have to report somewhere. thought the police might be too far for now.
i thought there was a hotline advertised on channel 5 for those abused. especially children.

this is too much. those parents arent humans

 

[dir]

we should have more ads like this in the local channels, maybe i'd start watching TV again!

YouTube - Domestic Violence Public Service Announcement (Restaurant)
YouTube - Canadian Domestic Violence 2

 

[growlingsoulpup]

Thanks for the advice. After cooling down a bit since yesterday I've spoken to my friend again. I don't think she is keen on the police being involved at all, But I'll try persuading her about those counselling sessions. Thanks a lot guys.

 

[RudimentalDrummer]

Conselling might not help many a times. My friend's daughter went through that from what I know...not effective enough.

Right now - the most important thing is - That your friend does not get Abuse anymore by her parents, especially the dad....I mean this is totally unacceptable (detestable thing to do) to one's own child...I can't believe it.....If these people can do that to his/her own child, whatmore can they do (worst) to others right?

The parents will get a warning, and they will be monitored (even if the child still choose to stay with the parents)......It will be ensured that - They do her no further Physical & emotional harm anymore.

This is good for her. As a friend, as any normal being. You have made the correct decision by seeking advice here as your conscious tells you it's wrong....and now for the Final-Decision - Reporting this and bringing it up...your friend will not blame you.

Of course, it is understandable why she does not wants this issue it to be brought up (afraid of her parents and she does not wants it to blow up) - - so she will never be able to make a decision especially looking at above - she is weak and choose not to stand up for herself as she is in a difficult position.

So you report it (actually make life easier for her) then if she was to report it herself.


Eric

 

[subversion]

James, sub, going by what's posted (the reluctance, the younger sister etc), calling the police may be too "scary" for some. Even MCYS.

IMO, what the TS and the friend need is someone to talk to e.g. a professional counsellor.

IMO what we suggested initially is a way to stop the abuse. counselling would be a good follow up to address the emotional upheaval but it won't stop abuse.

 

[betsybug]

Rudi, Sub, no no, you got the wrong end of the stick. This thing has been going on for some time. It is not like some emergency case. Counsellors are not to "correct" some emotional state (like Rudi's friend, I assume) but a friendly face to talk problems over with, so that TS' friend can think clearly what her options are. As you read from the original post, she is already scared of what the police might do to her parents. To me, police is like a sledgehammer when a screwdriver will suffice for a better job done. You don't want to go overboard such that family relationships are irretrievably damaged.

 

[pf]

Errrhhh....its not as if her family relations are terribly great at the moment please. However, reporting would stop the physical damage to her.