Personal Favourite Jokes

[ironcross]

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is
beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) -England 1(Lampard > 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after12 minutes"

 

[azhiwen]

A bodybuilder hooks up a hot lady, and they agree to spend the night together.

As the man undressess (After they booked into a hotel room), the bodybuilder flexes his biceps and said, "look! thats 1000 tonnes of dynamite!".

Afterwards, when the man undressess his pants, he flexes his legs' muscles and said, "look1 its another 1000 tonnes of dynamite!"

When the man undressess his underwhere, the woman screams and runs off.

Puzzled, the man caught the woman and ask her why she ran from him.

she said, "look, when you have 2000 tonnes of dynamite in your body and with such a short fuse, i'm afraid you might explode anytime!"

 

[azhiwen]

Another blonde joke.

There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.

After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.

The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.

As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.

The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.

"NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"

 

[unsane]

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is
beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) -England 1(Lampard > 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after12 minutes"

bloody brilliant.

 

[azlan]

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is
beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) -England 1(Lampard > 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after12 minutes"

bloody brilliant.

!@#$%^&*

 

[ChanMin]

HAHAHAHAHAHA that brazil one was freaking awesome...

 

[17wil]

but i dun get the brazil one leh...kenna send off still got lampard goal?

 

[Fallen]

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

 

[Fallen]

Problem Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[Fallen]

White Hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[jasonlefort]

-.-" 17wil...do u happen to be blonde?

 

[17wil]

-.-" 17wil...do u happen to be blonde?

nope. hahaha pure black. 8)

 

[DarknessFury]

but i dun get the brazil one leh...kenna send off still got lampard goal?

The bullshit joke's trying to say that England is daft and even though they've got 11 - 0 men, they still can't win...

 

[17wil]

ah hahahaha now i geddit

 

[bam]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

 

[teleholic]

lol..horny woman!

 

[turbochicken]

musicians in a studio, recording.

"now that was swwwwweeeeeet johnny!"
"thanks man..."
"can we do it again?"

"come on johnny, just a tad more. one more time, and this time put your soul into it and let the music soar!"
"but my fingers are soar from the last 20 takes."

 

[Anirudh]

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.


lol pwnt

 

[Scream_ed]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

 

[snuffleupagus]

One day, a dylexic walked into a bra.......