help needed.lit!!

yy_fuctup

yy_fuctup

New member
hey guys.i need to ammend this poem till it's at its best.so i really need your help cuz my lit sucks.soo..here it goes.

Mephistopheles
Your blade melting into me
Embrace the tainted scythe
Pleasure in the pain you granted me
Surrendering to your gift of torture
Fusing to be part of you
Pleased to, proud to, honored
Shelter me under your claws
Comfort me with your mis-thoughts
Your nothingness engulf me
Sing me your lullabies
My one and only
My Lord, my Master
Mephistopheles



yea..thats all.need as much help and comments and suggestions i can get.hee.so plz..im begging you.lol.thanks.
 
i don't take lit.it's just a compulsary subject in sch.i'm not sec 3 yet.and kerplunk,which sch are u from??cuz the uniform looks familiar.
 
sounds like you're in love with a jerk or something to do with child abuse. who is mephistopheles?
 
ohman. if that poem came from your heart i think you need some professional help. really. haha.
 
hahs no larr..i just write lots of weird non sensical stuff thats all.i don't need professional help.my mommy tried to drag me for therapy.hehs.
 
the poem is a little disjointed.. if you get what i mean. especially the ending 'your nothingness engulfs me//sing me your lullabies' and a grammatical error 'your nothingness engulfs me.
 
yea.hahas.my english more and more jialat.more and more badder.i give up on lit alr.no hope.i think i go be sweeper better.i never write stuff very long.then now ask me write i cannot.

ok that was broken singlish.nvm.
 
wow, like satanic to the max man!! :lol: ok here are my $0.02 worth, hope it helps make things better.

was thinking, since u're using words like "scythe" and the name "Mephistopheles" instead of the common "lucifer" or "satan" why not try n add a bit of a Shakespearean touch. for example:

instead of "Your blade melting into me," why not try "Thine Dagger melting in mine heart?" can't remember if "mine" can be used here, did lit eons ago.....A levels 98' if i remember correctly. also, mostly the word "bosom" is used to describe the heart (if i remember correctly), but don't think it actually suits the atmosphere you're trying to generate in the poem. but if u think it does, by all mean, use it :D

you could change "Pleasure in the pain you granted me" to "Pleasure in pain thee hath grant" (don't really need to use the word "me" here, since you've already referenced youself earlier. unless of course, there s poetic justice involved.)

stuff like that la....i know how much of a pain lit can be, but it can also be awesome fun!! hope this kinda helped a bit.....peruse thru some Shakespearen plays, especially Hamlet or Macbeth. they both deal with a great deal of murder, blood etc etc, so they'll give you a good idea of Shakespearean words, grammar, vocab etc etc relating to blood, gore, sex etc....heheheh.

ok dude, Rock on!! \m/
 
i will u see ten years later and we will talk abt your "in love with satan" episodes ya !! :lol:

For now enjoy the attention :D
 
yy_fuctup said:
hey guys.i need to ammend this poem till it's at its best.so i really need your help cuz my lit sucks.soo..here it goes.

Mephistopheles
Your blade melting into me
Embrace the tainted scythe
Pleasure in the pain you granted me
Surrendering to your gift of torture
Fusing to be part of you
Pleased to, proud to, honored
Shelter me under your claws
Comfort me with your mis-thoughts
Your nothingness engulf me
Sing me your lullabies
My one and only
My Lord, my Master
Mephistopheles



yea..thats all.need as much help and comments and suggestions i can get.hee.so plz..im begging you.lol.thanks.
Click to expand...

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: Don understand
You need help, miss. You worship Mephistopheles!!!!
 
just wondering, why it seem like most who are attrated to the dark side seem to be associated to the words/arts/music side of it, instead of getting in touch with the church of satan people, learn and live the life of a true satanist?

No sacarsm intended, just a real thought.
 
heh, we are all rebel at heart. Some seen the light, some havent, some bulb blown, some just cudent be bothered to fix the light at all. But most wud light candle and think its the best light ever and deny Thomas edison invention of light bulb but take him as the man that made candle

OhmmmmmmmmhO
 
ah damn it. 8O

another one of this satanist kinda ppl.
i've know this guy who believes in satan so much.
declares himself a satanist.

me and my friends tried to help him. but he hack care.
being around him makes my hair stand. not those on my head. -.-

i guess its becoming a trend. :?

dont be pessimistic. you wont die in 10 years. well maybe.

but know this. hell hath no fury to a woman's scorn. hahah.
 
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