which poem is better?

[yy_fuctup]

hello..can you people tell me which 2 poems are the better ones from these 3 poems because i need to submit them for a literature portfolio.hahas.i know they suck but pradon me cuz im just a little 13 year old little girl(actually im a macho man).so..please comment.thank you very much.

Bleeding
aching
hurting
wishing
hoping
praying
hating
loving
waiting
for a dream
that won't begin
---------------------------
To every star that fell,
to every heart that burnt,
to every hearse parked,
to every soul returned,

to the rightful master,
to the ruler of the throne,
to the deadened screams,
to the red on the scythe,

to the threshold of darkness,
to the eternal pyre,
to the crimson stains on your hands,
to the comforting pain,

i drink.
------------------------------------
I am your memory,
distorted reality,
tampered with,
lurking,
within your conscience,
above
your consciousness,
an ambush,
waiting,
patiently,
chancing upon
an attack.

i am your thoughts,
haunting,
questioning,
the deepest,
darkest
nooks
of your mind,
the explicit
details
of the disillusions
forced upon
you.

 

[sofyan]

middle one. but maybe can ask some people here how u can improve them

 

[atee]

I really like the middle, and the 3rd one's not bad either.

Loving the imagery in the 2nd, but maybe a link could be established between the theme of the 'master' and that of 'pain and blood'.

Will your teacher approve to drinking?

 

[yy_fuctup]

haha..she doesnt know.can u plz give a suggestion on how to establish a link between the 'master' adn the 'pain and blood'??

 

[danial]

hey ! the middle one is good

 

[ahkiatt]

middle...

master whacks slave... resulting in pain and blood. :lol:

the first one sounds like the daft punk song... technologic.


Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, melt - upgrade it,
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag it, drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, coat it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it.

 

[Guest]

yy..

if u force it out..u wont be able to capture the feelings..

sometimes..all u nid is an inspiration..

inspiration gives u the words which will flow well.(it may not necessarily rhyme)

and when u have an inspiration..all u have to hope for..is for ur hands to keep up with the thoughts tt pours out from ur mind.

 

[yy_fuctup]

oks..thanks people.

 

[mero]

definitely the second one, the first and the third didn't really stand out as much IMO

 

[anep]

i like the first 2. first one is really, err, 'style' imo.

 

[DesertEagle]

dude, the 2nd song sounds like metal lyrics. hahaha.. n I tin its too sombre for a literature work.In my opinion, 3rd is great..messes around with all the usual philosophical stuff.. If u trust my words, i figure ur markers will dig that.

 

[ala_carte]

sorry, but i personally like the first one.

concise, short and sweet.

 

[yy_fuctup]

hmm..seems like everybody got differentiating views..but thanks for commenting.

 

[xemorej]

the second and third one are great
the first one is a good concept but somehow the words doesn't really flow imo

 

[atee]

The reason why the first doesn't really appeal to me is because it's too easy; probably any emo kid can string those words together and come up with something along that line. Also, it's really cliche, and it doesn't exactly stand out.

The way the other two were written is a different story - the structures stand out more, and they're much more original as compared to the first. The 2nd would be top in my list, because as I mentioned before, the imagery's great.

As for a suggestion to the 'link', maybe the ruler could be given a negative adjective of some sort? Then again you may want it to stay this way, to give the reader a surprise - the ruler isn't the good guy that you thought he was. It's your poem

 

[yy_fuctup]

thank you oh-so-much.hahas.i think i'll hand in the 2nd and 3rd pieces since most of u say so..lols.