Please Help Review My Lyrics =)

[Zacky]

Hi! I'm an amateur who writes lyrics with no experience.. sooo please hwlp review my work below =D If you can please be as critical and constructive as possible. Thanks~


This world would never be, perfect as you expected
You may feel like giving in and given up
But it’s not the end yet, help is in your hands
It will get better only if u want it to be better

Life may give you shit, but trust me it will get better
You may think it’s the end, with no one to hold on to
But stay strong my friend, your happiness is not due
Not now, never will be

When your loved ones let you go, it’s not all over
You still have someone loving you,
Your friends and family will be there forever, for you
So don’t cry my friend, he’s not worth your tears

Help is in your hands my friend, help is around you
Look around and you will know, you are not alone
So stay strong my friend, your happiness is not due
So don’t cry my friend, he’s not worth your tears

I don’t want to see you cry, tears stain your beautiful face
I don’t want to see you gone; you still have us to count on
So don’t let yourself go, we still love you, you know

 

[centralcatchment]

Hi! I'm an amateur who writes lyrics with no experience.. sooo please hwlp review my work below =D If you can please be as critical and constructive as possible. Thanks~


This world would never be, perfect as you expected
You may feel like giving in and given up
But it’s not the end yet, help is in your hands
It will get better only if u want it to be better

Life may give you shit, but trust me it will get better
You may think it’s the end, with no one to hold on to
But stay strong my friend, your happiness is not due
Not now, never will be

When your loved ones let you go, it’s not all over
You still have someone loving you,
Your friends and family will be there forever, for you
So don’t cry my friend, he’s not worth your tears

Help is in your hands my friend, help is around you
Look around and you will know, you are not alone
So stay strong my friend, your happiness is not due
So don’t cry my friend, he’s not worth your tears

I don’t want to see you cry, tears stain your beautiful face
I don’t want to see you gone; you still have us to count on
So don’t let yourself go, we still love you, you know

Avoid cliches. The cliches in this song have been bolded.

In addition, these are grammar mistakes:
This world COULD never be AS perfect as you WANTED / or perfect LIKE YOU EXPECTED
You may feel like giving in and GIVING UP
Your happiness is not due => your happiness has not come to an end.
Help is in your hands / help is around you=> Help is at hand.

In addition, don't use swear words. You should use swear words only if you want your song to be disgusting or funny and I don't think that it's meant to be disgusting or funny.

btw it's good to know that there are some Singaporeans out there who think that lyrics are important. Good luck.

 

[centralcatchment]

Hi,

Hopefully my second reply will be more useful. By coincidence I had been forwarded a video by a friend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU

What is the difference between "I am blind" and "It's a beautiful day today but I can't see it?"

The first statement tells you a fact. The second statement tells you something salient about the experience, helps you to experience it in a possibly new light.

The lyric has a lot of facts. You are sad. We can help you. He's not worth your trouble. But it doesn't have focus. It doesn't stay at one point and home in on the one thing that is special about this situation.

There is a point that is repeated a lot in creative writing classes: show, don't tell.

Don't tell you audience, "I'm here to help you". Show him that you're there to help. Look at this song:
http://www.lyricsdepot.com/steely-dan/any-major-dude-will-tell-you.html
The singer is actually saying the actual words (OK some of the words are a little too Americanised and annoying but the idea is there). The actual words that you would be saying to that girl:

1. The pain is not going to last. It will all be over.
2. I am a good guy and I'm trying to help you.
3. This is a small thing.

Another song that I can think of will tackle the "You are Sad. He's Not Worth Your Trouble" portion.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/here-today-lyrics-beach-boys.html

You are sad.
1. You met somebody who you thought that was the perfect person.
2. You started falling in love with her and got carried away.
3. You got too carried away, in fact. And then after that shit happens.
4. The moral of the story is that you need to be careful because a lot of the time your happiness does not last.
5. Special dramatic twist: I'm your current girlfriend's ex-boyfriend and I am actually speaking from experience, she really is that kind of person.

Songwriting is really a lot of descriptive writing, and spelling out of intimate details. Therefore: show don't tell.

 

[Zacky]

Thanks man! This is a looooot of help =D

 

[centralcatchment]

No problem. I am also trying to write lyrics and this is an exercise for me to think clearly what are the rules.